So I’ve somehow survived another day full of chaos and confusion, barely that is.  Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can handle before my already shattered soul crumbles to fine dust and is blown away.  I often wonder, if GOD has a purpose for everyone then what is it that I’m supposed to do.  I hope HE didn’t just give me life for me to have to just exist silently here unseen and unheard.  If there is a reason for me being alive I’m sure I’ve either already done it or already didn’t do it, either or, so why am I still here?

I’ve had another day of dealing with a mother who hates me.  It just isn’t right.  If GOD knew my body was going to be all screwed up then why couldn’t HE at least give me parents who loved me unconditionally?  They used to adore me.  When I was pretty and skinny, when I was so smart and had what appeared to be a huge and successful future ahead of me I was their pride and joy.  One thing the doctor didn’t tell me I would lose was love.  Who am I trying to kid, she dindn’t even give a shit about me then.  She has always made it more than evident that I was just in her way of living her own life and that she didn’t want me here.  She just used to think if I became something in life that she would get something out of it if she wasn’t so cold.  But now she knows.  Little does she know though that she hasn’t killed this sinking soul yet and somehow I have found a little bit of hope to grasp ahold of and my life isn’t over yet.  And now that I know that at least a part of that once intelligent girl is still deep down within my future is again starting to appear bright, a little.  Too bad for her because she isn’t getting anything from this burden of hers.

Ugh!  I guess you can tell that I’m having a rough time again with Miss It.  That’s ok though.  Dispite her efforts to destroy my spirits I’m still here breathing.  I talked to my babe tonight.  He said he misses me and wants to come see me!  He never wants to come here.    I miss him so much. I can’t wait to see him!

I have this picture on here of me on my wedding day.  I often find myself staring at that picture trying to remember what was going through that girl’s head 7 1/2 years ago.  If I had known how it would turn out now would I have been so happy or if I had known would I have gone through with it.  Or deep down did I know?  I had to have knows, afterall I do always screw everything up.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!