I don’t really know what to write tonight but it has been a while since I have really written anything so I’ll try to think of something.  Hehehe, I might just ramble but that is what I’m best for.

Well this week has been pretty tough, emotionally that is.  Ya’ll know that I sit around mopey and sad all the time right?  Well I was doing a pretty good job of hiding that from everyone here, managing to wait until I was behind my closed door to let the pain flow.  Well that thought failed miserably.  The other day a friend here was telling me some stuff and I just lost it.  She wasn’t saying anything bad, she was trying to be encouraging, but ya’ll know how it is with me.  There is certain stuff anyone can say that just throws me overboard.  Like telling me you can do this or you can do that or you’re so pretty.  I know none of it’s true and then it comes to my mind how this or that must be going through their minds and how they have to think I must be so stupi thinking I’m believing them.  But now I think I finally have them all thinking I’m fine again.  Which is good because I don’t want anyone’s pity.  Or any pity friends, if someone wants to be my friend I want it to be because of me.  And I most definitely don’t want to scare off anyone else like I did the other day.

Who am I kidding.  I shouldn’t be here trying to make friends at all.  Just to screw up someone else’s life or to get to know yet another person who will end up hating me just like everyone else eventually does….

I can’t do this.  Knowing that in a week I’ll be going back there to sit night and day crying and just to watch as my already shattered soul finally crumbles to dust.  GOD, why don’t YOU just let me die already.  Or do YOU hate me too just like everyone else.  I don’t want to have to be anymore.  I don’t want to be alive but I don’t want to be dead either, I just don’t want to be.  I don’t want to finally have my soul go to hell but I don’t want to go to heaven either just to screw that up for everyone else.  Even in heaven I’d be this sad mess.

I miss Christian so much.  I wonder if he misses me at all, or is he just glad I’m gone and never thinks about me.  I found out the other day that Annie is taking me to court for child support.  I guess she knew if I’m here and don’t get to go they could banish parental rights then I’d never get to see him. 

It feels like all the trouble keeps piling up in front of me and is now so high and so wide that there is no was through, around, or above it all.  This year is just starting but it is already horrible for me.  I can’t handle ir all.

And a question, why is it that if I get upset everyone automatically assumes that I am upset over this chair.  It isn’t the chair people.  I am fine with my chair.  Sure i got a crappy hand when it comes to this horrible disease but it is made up for in other areas.  Sure woulda been nice to be normal and smart both but I’m not normal, I’m fine with that.  Sure I often am saddened by thoughts of normalcy that I’ll never get to experience but big deal.  Usually if I am so upset that everyone sees it has nothing to do sith this chair but everything to do with this dying soul trapped inside this ugly and fat girl’s failing body.

I’m gonna shut up for now.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

You too, Wally!