11.27.06
RIP Uncle Ivory
Friday evening my uncle Ivory who was 88 years young went to his final resting place. He was one of my grandma’s brothers-in-law. I don’t remember him all that well, but I’m sure if I saw his face I would at least now he is one of the family down there in Swords Creek, I think Miller Creek to be exact. Everyone keep my family, especially my aunt Goldie in your thoughts and prayers. I don’t know why but when whoever dug up his grave they also dug up hers. They say the idea of what is happening hasn’t hit her yet, so GOD be her comfort when it does. His funeral is tomorrow.
It has to be so hard for my grandma to see death so close around her. Brothers, sisters, friends.. Younger and older.. I wonder if she’s scared of it being her. I’d say that is on her mind all the time. She’ll be 81 in February. She doesn’t have any major illnesses, but slowly her health is declining. Actually right now she isn’t doing very well at all. It scares me so much for her to be down at her house alone all the time. Before I got married and could get down there she was never alone, I practically lived there, always making for sure she had firewood or help with whatever she was doing, but now there’s no one who will stay with her. It’s sad because there are kids on this hill who are older than I was when I started staying with her who refuses to go down there. He says there is nothing to do down there but there wasn’t then either. Just being with her and spending time with her and making memories should be enough. I am so afraid that someone is going to go down there one day and find her gone. I hate the idea of her down there dying alone no one with her.
So I’m going to be alone for most of the day again tomorrow. Ivory’s funeral is tomorrow then tomorrow night is Trigg’s brother’s wake. Oh, I didn’t mention that yet. One of my mom’s fiancee’s brothers died Saturday. Trigg drove down to see him Saturday because he was doing so badly then while he was driving back home that evening he got the call that his brother had passed. He said at least he got to hug him and tell him that he loved him one last time. I guess I’ll catch up on some reading tomorrow.
Well another day is gone and is now nothing but memories. I guess I am off to bed.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!Friday evening my uncle Ivory who was 88 years young went to his final resting place. He was one of my grandma’s brothers-in-law. I don’t remember him all that well, but I’m sure if I saw his face I would at least now he is one of the family down there in Swords Creek, I think Miller Creek to be exact. Everyone keep my family, especially my aunt Goldie in your thoughts and prayers. I don’t know why but when whoever dug up his grave they also dug up hers. They say the idea of what is happening hasn’t hit her yet, so GOD be her comfort when it does. His funeral is tomorrow.
It has to be so hard for my grandma to see death so close around her. Brothers, sisters, friends.. Younger and older.. I wonder if she’s scared of it being her. I’d say that is on her mind all the time. She’ll be 81 in February. She doesn’t have any major illnesses, but slowly her health is declining. Actually right now she isn’t doing very well at all. It scares me so much for her to be down at her house alone all the time. Before I got married and could get down there she was never alone, I practically lived there, always making for sure she had firewood or help with whatever she was doing, but now there’s no one who will stay with her. It’s sad because there are kids on this hill who are older than I was when I started staying with her who refuses to go down there. He says there is nothing to do down there but there wasn’t then either. Just being with her and spending time with her and making memories should be enough. I am so afraid that someone is going to go down there one day and find her gone. I hate the idea of her down there dying alone no one with her.
So I’m going to be alone for most of the day again tomorrow. Ivory’s funeral is tomorrow then tomorrow night is Trigg’s brother’s wake. Oh, I didn’t mention that yet. One of my mom’s fiancee’s brothers died Saturday. Trigg drove down to see him Saturday because he was doing so badly then while he was driving back home that evening he got the call that his brother had passed. He said at least he got to hug him and tell him that he loved him one last time. I guess I’ll catch up on some reading tomorrow.
Well another day is gone and is now nothing but memories. I guess I am off to bed.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
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11.24.06
Happy Thanksgiving!
All in all, despite wanting to be with my true family, my husband and son, I had a pretty good day. I went with my sister to her dad’s house. He acted so glad to see me and kept telling me how much he loved the rehab campus I am going to when he went. He told me that he is so glad I am going to go and that he knows I will love it there. He sang Almost Home for me too. It is so remarkable to see this man who only has one arm and one leg do all that he does. I love to watch him cook. He has a confidence in himself that is so inspiring and he can do anything he sets his mind to. But I felt so bad for him today when everyone there was laughing and talking and he was sitting there just watching them. I could see the love for everyone beaming from him but I could also see the loneliness and sorrow in his eyes. When he sang that song for me I watched as tears gathered in his eyes. This man has always went out of his way to be nice to me and show me that he cares about me. And I think when I’m around him he has always treated me like another one of his kids. I hadn’t been to his house in years but today when I went in that familiar home feeling came back that I used to feel when there, like I was a part of his family. I hope he knows what a blessing he is to me. He has touched my heart in such a way. To feel like I am wanted somewhere is rare for me but today I did. He has always made me feel and treated me as one of the family. He isn’t my dad but I do find myself feeling that father love for him, always have. I can tell why my brothers and sisters love him so much, I do and I’m not even really related to him. He is one of my biggest inspirations. I wish I had a digital camera so I could have gotten a picture with him today. But today I am thankful for this man. GOD thank You for Ray.
So today was great. I didn’t sit here alone and sad all day for once. I didn’t even cry once today! Nancy and Wes are two more people I am thankful for today. Well, other than Wes trying to kill me twice hahaha! Just kidding. I was a little afraid they were going to realize what a hassle I am though. I was afraid to let them help me, but other than that it went well. They make me feel so comfortable to be around them. My nephews were there and gosh, ya’ll should hear Shannon sing and play guitar and the songs he writes. Truly a gift from GOD Himself. And Corey… WOW!! He is getting so big and handsome! I got to hear some of Bug’s new songs, awesome as always. He did say something that shocked me today though. I always though Bug didn’t care that much about me and that he just saw me as a sister who could exist or not and he wouldn’t really care. But today he asked if I was going home later and would I be all alone here. I’m like yeah and it so shocked me that he acted like that worried him. He asked why I wouldn’t go to Gene’s house with everyone out here. I didn’t want to tell him the truth, that no one really wanted me there and I didn’t want to be in the way. So, haha, when he asked that and Jerry started laughing and commenting that if I had gone there I would told someone off or hurt someone, haha, and laughing I just said "well as Jerry knows I don’t get along with them all that well". LOL!! But Bug acting concerned about me, wow. 
So GOD, that is another thing I am thankful for today.
Another thing I am thankful for today is my friends. And though most are friendships over the internet, I still love them all dearly. One that I have to name is Chad. Hehe see, I told ya I was going to name you tonight. Thanks for your friendship, thanks for making me feel beautiful, thanks for letting me know that I am worthy of love, thanks for letting me know that there is at least one guy out there who thinks I am fabulous, and thanks for always being online haha. A few others I am thankful for are Tippi, Holly, Gevin, Joe, Christina, Candace, Amanda, and Missy. And all those I didn’t name. I am thankful for all the groups I am in. A few are WOP, ESTHER, and CWI. Thank you GOD for leading me to all these people.
Right now I am sitting here, so tired, and trying to hurry and type this out. Despite the great day I did have, my heart is yet again yearning for the two loves of my life. GOD, thank You for this blessed day and thank You for the hope in my heart that next Thanksgiving it will be even better because I will be with my family. I am speaking it and believing it, LORD. Nest Thanksgiving I WILL be with my family!
Happy Thanksgiving, Wally. I do hope you had a fun and fulfilling day. I couldn’t tell you that today but I do.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
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11.23.06
thank You, LORD
I just want to thank You, LORD
for every time that you’ve heard me pray
I just want to thank You
for always being there
when I was so down and out
You came along and made me wanna shout
I just want to thank You, LORD
thank You, LORD
I am thankful that GOD is up there, down here, all around, everywhere. I am thankful that I know no matter how lonely, sad, lonely, or hopeless AI might feel HE is with me at all times and with HIM I have everything to hope for. I am thankful that HE sent me HIS son Jesus Christ so that I may know HIM and someday be with them in my home above. I am thankful that no matter how disheartened I might become HE is always there with blessed assurance that in HIS time all will be fine. I am thankful that Jesus loved me so much that he died just so I could live.
I am also thankful for my sister, Nancy. If it wasn’t for her and the love I feel from her I probably wouldn’t be alive right now. I would have given up as a teenager. She has no idea how much she helped me tonight, just by hearing her voice. I was sitting here this evening, alone as usual, and slowly sinking yet again into my thoughts of pain and hopelessness. The devil kept whispering silent messages of doubt, heartache, and grief into my heart and again I was beginning to question whether or not GOD even cared. Then the phone rang and it was her. Last night she asked me if I would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with her at her dad’s house. I had planned on spending the day alone and no doubt crying. My mom asked me to go with her to my uncle’s house but I don’t want to go and be in the way of people that I know don’t want me there. When my sister asked me to go with her I told her I didn’t know but it probably wouldn’t be too good of an idea for me to go because I’d probably do nothing but cry watching the others with their families and me not having mine. But today she told me that her dad was all for me coming and that my brother, Bug, wants me to come too. So I might. I just don’t want to be the reason why anyone else doesn’t have a happy day. I’m still not sure if I’ll go. I don’t feel worthy to be around anyone, especially on days that are supposed to be festive. Mom won’t say she doesn’t want me to go but I can tell that she is ticked at the idea. Her and my grandma say they just want me to to ask questions about those out here. But anyway, I’m thankful that my sister wants me to have a little happiness.
Lately I’ve been thinking, "Am I worthy to ask GOD for anything at all let alone restoring my marriage?" I keep thinking that no I’m not, I’m too low for even GOD above to care anything about. Why do I let myself think these thoughts? I know I am. I hope I am. No, I KNOW that I am. GOD loves us all, even me. And I’m thankful for that and knowing that he is going to restore my marriage in HIS time. I am so thankful to know that HE will never give up on me.
This will be the second Thanksgiving I am going to spend without hubby beside me. They say time makes things easier but for me it keeps getting harder and harder. But I am trusting in GOD that if it’s HIS will this will be the last Thanksgiving I will be apart from him. What I wouldn’t give right how just to hear GOD’s heavenly voice telling me that my heart’s desires will be given to me soon. I guess that is what faith is for though…………
What I wouldn’t do right now for a phone call. A simple phone call. And to hear an I love you. And a don’t worry perhaps.
I am thankful for my hopeful heart telling me he does still love me.
Everyone this year as you’re sitting around your tables for a turkey dinner with those you all love, look around you, make a memory of all the faces and never forget it. You never know if you’ll be with those you love next year. It is hard to imagine them not being there, but try, can you? Don’t forget to tell them each and every one how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Next time they might not be there to hear it. And not just Thanksgiving, but every day be sure they know they have a little piece of your heart with them at all times. Two years ago I remember Wally holding my hand and not caring who seen and feeling so safe and loved. I never told him how special just holding my hand made me feel and how much those little memories meant to be, and how it was those little things that meant the most. I wish I had. Now he may never know.
GOD, please let him know how much I love him.
Happy Thanksgiving Christian and Wally. Goodnight and I love y’all!
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11.22.06
one thing I’m thankful for
I’m supposed to write about something I’m thankful for tonight. But I’m having another one of those days where it is hard to think about anything to be thankful for. I am gonna try though. So here goes.
I am thankful for my son and the joy that he gives me when I see or talk to him. I don’t see him near enough, but when I do that happiness is immeasurable. I am thankful for my sight that allows me to see his radiance, my ability to hear his sweet little voice, my sense of touch so I can feel his little hands holding to mine, my sense of smell that allows me to smell that Christian scent that no other has, and my ability to speak which allows me to tell him I love him. I am thankful that he is an energetic, healthy young boy full of life, love, and dreams. I am thankful for every moment that I’ve spent with him, ever from the time he was still inside me. I am thankful that he is safe and warm and doesn’t have to go hungry. I am thankful that he has grandparents that also love him so much. And thankful to be able to be at ease when I don’t see him knowing that he has a grandmother who would stop the earth from going around the sun if she had to to keep him safe and a grandfather who will do everything in his power to make sure he never wants anything and doesn’t get it. I am thankful that he is smart and has a want to learn. I’m thankful for the little songs he sings for me, the little dances he does, and every little joke he tells. I am thankful that he wraps his little arms around my neck at night. I am thankful that I make him feel safe. I am thankful that I can give him comfort. I am thankful that he is able to be open and tell me about stuff. I am thankful that he knows I’ll never hurt him. I am thankful for his gorgeous red hair and thankful for his bright blue eyes. I am thankful for him having the faith he has and his want to know more about Jesus, GOD, and the Bible. I am thankful that he knows he can ask or tell me anything. I am thankful for his ten fingers and ten toes, his ears, his arms and legs, his cute little “Hurt” nose, and even his “daddy’s” cute little belly button. I am thankful for the confidence he seems to have in me. I am thankful to GOD for letting us take care of one of HIS children while on earth.
I am thankful for the unconditional love that I feel for Christian. I have always known that I love him but until about two years ago for some reason I didn’t know just how much. Or maybe I did and was just afraid to admit it to myself for a while. Anyway I am honestly thankful that things with him happened the way they did. Because if they hadn’t I might to this day not be letting myself admit to how much I do love my son. I am thankful that for the past year and a half, all in all, he has been happy and well cared for. I am thankful that he is in a place where he is being taught about Jesus. I am thankful that he is being taught to pray and that when he does GOD hears him. I am thankful that he is in a place where he is being taught about the importance of family and love.
So, I am thankful for Christian, my son, the power behind my heartbeat. I am thankful for everything about him. I am thankful for him holding my hands to feel me close when he falls to sleep. I am thankful for him getting comfort from playing with my hair. I am thankful for each and every time he puts his hands in my hair while he is asleep. Even the funny things he does. For instance, ever since he was tiny, rolling through a store or somewhere with a lot of people or sometimes just watching television he has put one of his arms down my shirt. I guess he gets some kind of comfort from it. I remember him being about a year old, going through a store and I would notice it and always say in a funny accent “get yo hand outta my shirt” and he would laugh and laugh and still does. I’m thankful for those memories. I am thankful to be able to give him whatever comfort it is that he gets from that. I am thankful for his adorable little laugh. I am thankful for every memory we have ever made together and hopefully for the ones that are yet to be made.
I am thankful to know, if nothing happens, he will be with family having fun and eating turkey and everything else Thursday.
I love my son more than anyone or anything. GOD above knows I do. Thank you, LORD, for my miracle child. I am thankful for every little thing about him, from his “donkey butt” chin that he got from me hehe, to his eyes that light up in amazement when the toys come on tv commercials and I hear I want that can I have it, to the feel of his breath when his is asleep beside my face, to his heartbeat that I listen to so often, even the soul filling his body. Thank you, GOD.
One more thing to write that I’m thankful for tonight. I am thankful for my dreams. I wish they were more reality, but nonetheless I am thankful for them. Last night I had a dream of doing something with Wally is so special to me and I cry many nights afraid I’ll never get to do it again. An no, it’s not what you are most likely thinking. At night while in the bed sleeping we would hold hands. It is so hard now knowing his hand is there. But last night I dreamed we were in bed and I reached over and we locked our hands. Thanks GOD for that dream.
11.21.06
What are you thankful for?
What to write, what to write. More random thoughts on this Monday night.
Wednesday is a special date. Some shout outs… Happy Birthday Gevin! Happy birthday Mom!
Wednesday is also the day a year ago that hubby went to jail. Not a very memorable day. I remember when he called the night before and hearing him say that he loves me and bursting out in tears while trying not to let him hear. I was so afraid that would be the last time I heard him say that. I was so afraid for him and his safety and sanity for the next nine months. I am so glad that it is over with now.
As we all know, Thursday is turkey day! A national day of thanksgiving. For GOD’s children though every day should be thanksgiving. This year what are you thankful for? I promise if you sit and think about it each of you have a lot more to thank GOD for than you might think.
For the next few nights I am going to be blogging about things I am thankful for.
Tonight though I have to cut it short and go to bed. Gotta go to the doctor tomorrow, so good night everyone!
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
Just some inspirational thoughts from a group I’m in.
“Get Yourself glory, Lord, through my stand, through believing Your Word is true when it says, ‘Let no man put asunder what God has put together!”
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we
do not see….And without faith it is impossible to please God,
because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and
that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:1,6
1 John 5:14-15
14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of him.
John Haggee says that marriage is like mashed potatoes. You take two individual potatoes, you wash them, peel them, slice them up, and put them in boiling water. Then you take the potato masher and mash them,add some milk and butter, and some salt. When you’re done, can they be separated into two individual potatoes? Well, you can make two separate helpings out of them, but each helping takes a part of both potatoes with them.
11.20.06
I’m Running Away
I heard this song Friday night on Ghost Whisperer. As soon as I heard it I fell in love with it. It’s like it’s the thoughts of my soul. I want this song done at my funeral when I die. The band is Midnight Hour. I’m not sure if I have the lyrics completely right, but this is as close as I can tell what it says.
don’t lie and say that it’s okay
it’s alright yeah, there’s nothing more to say
so i’m running away, i’m leaving this place
yeah i’m running away, i’m running away
don’t tell me i’m the one to blame
it’s too late for you to make me stay
no i won’t stay
so i’m running away, i’m leaving this place
yeah i’m running away, i’m running away
faster than you can follow me from this lonely place
farther than you can find me i’m leaving, yeah i’m leaving today
no i’ll never let you find me
i’m leaving you behind with the past, no i won’t look back
and i, i wanna hear your reasons
i wanna hear you tell me why i should stay
and try, try to understand me
try to understand what i say when i say i can’t stay
and i, i’m moving on from this place
leaving and i won’t when i’m running away
now i’m running away, i’m leaving this place
yeah i’m running away, i’m running away
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want done after I die. I most definitely want this song played. I want everyone to think of me finally getting to run away. Imagine me running through an open field while it is starting to storm with my eyes closed and my arms outstretched and my face lifted toward the sky. Imagine me running just like that until finally lightening strikes and then I’ll be gone, away from this place. (If you’ve seen the movie Powder than you’ll get the idea.) And I want everyone to know that I’ve finally ran away and am away from all that makes me sad, away from all that hurts me, away from my broken heart. Imagine me running away, and know that I’m finally free.
And if he is still alive I would like to get my mom’s first husband, Ray, to sing Almost Home. I’ve never felt at home anywhere really. Maybe then I will.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all and will always and forever!! No matter what! I hope y’all never forget that.
11.14.06
stay positive
Sitting here tonight listening to Bill Keller preach about Britney Spears filing for divorce and how it is just another tragic example of marriage in our culture. And how marriage is GOD’s holy institution and how this country is forgetting that. GOD can restore our marriages, if only we let him do that. Divorce will never be a part of GOD’s plan for marriage. Malachi 2:16 www.liveprayer.com Everyone check out that website and watch this man, at least once on the I channel at midnight each weekday. This man preaches the truth, the Word, and nothing but the truth.
Everyone keep my mom in your prayers please. She went to her doctor today to have him check on a cat scratch from the other night’s fight with Nina that is inflamed and infected, and though all she needed was antibiotics for that, he gave her some shocking results from some chest x rays he had her do a few weeks ago. He told her that there is a dark mass on one of her lungs. But he told her not to worry about it because it might just be a shadow from one of her breasts or a hernia showing up or it might be a tumor. How do you tell someone you found a dark mass but then tell them not to worry about it? I think she is scared to death. No I know she is. Anyone would be! She called and told me before she got home this evening and the first thing that came to my mind was she has waited her whole life to be happy, thinking she would never get a second chance at a life with her true love, and now that she is almost sixty years old, forty-two years later, she is now getting that second chance and now it very well could be ripped away from her. When she got home today she started crying telling me how she is just now starting to be happy and it might be taken away from her. I just kept telling her to stay positive and to keep believing that it isn’t anything. GOD knows she has had a miserable life and she deserves this chance to be happy for once. Everyone keep her in your prayers.
Tonight I talked to Duddy for a while on the phone. I haven’t talked to him in a few months. Since July 3rd I think when I told him I didn’t want to go to his party with him. It is hard to talk to him now knowing what I know about his health and all that goes with that. It is so sad. He’s wanting to take me out one day just to talk and have fun. I think he is just needing someone to talk to and didn’t want to say it. He’s wanting to take Christian out somewhere with us one day too. I do hope Christian gets to spend some time with him before he can’t anymore. Everyone this man need your prayers too. He isn’t saved, but every now and then we hear him blaring gospel music while he is up in his field by himself. Pray that GOD will somehow use me to bring Duddy to HIM and His love.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
11.13.06
Chad
I can’t really think of anything to write tonight. Didn’t do much today. I”m still sick. I told Mom today I need to go to the doctor, and ya’ll know me, I never want to go to the doctor, not even if I need to. I joined in and read along with a sermon today. It was really good and got me to thinking a lot. It was about prayer and intentions behind prayer. Are you prayer for yourself or for something that will glorify GOD?
Well I’m going to go to bed. Gonna chat with Chad for a while first though. He is so hot! I think I might move to Minnesota haha. j/k But girls, he’s so cute, and smart, and did I mention cute. Show him some luv!
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
11.12.06
not alone
A lady in a group for marriage restoration wrote this today. Reading what she had written make me think wow, there are actually others out there struggling with the same stuff that I am. Her circumstances might be different than mine, everyone has their own circumstances, but it helps to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. There is one thing that all of us standing for our marriages do have in common though, and that is satan. He wants us all to give up and let him win. We are all in a battle with the devil himself. It’s good to know that we are all fighting him together, and it is even better to know that GOD is in front of us every step of the way. Thank you LORD for being with me and fighting these battles for me, for us. We are in the battle but LORD you are there in front of us fighting and guiding our steps. FATHER keep us all and don’t let us forget that YOU are the one who is winning our battles for us.
Here’s what she wrote:
As I was laying in bed last night not being able to fall asleep even though I was exhausted, I kept praying for the Lord to tell me what to do now, how do proceed ahead, what did He want me to accomplish, etc.As I was laying there, I kept thinking that I was so ready to give up,be done with it, throw it away. Why do I want to continue to be with someone who doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to be with me, isn’t going to
move forward in life with me, etc.? I mean, what’s the point?
But then I thought – do I really want to let the enemy win? Do I want to turn against what the Lord has called me to do. Do I really want to disappoint the Lord? He has put His trust in me. Do I want to lose that? The answer was NO!!!! I love my husband with all of my heart and I want to spend my life with him. So I need to put the same trust in the Lord that He has for me.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
11.11.06
11-10-06
I’m not really sure what to write for tonight. Other than I feel like I have been run over by a semi. Yup, I’m sick, or well on my way there. Good thing Christian didn’t come today. The bad thing, I’m not supposed to get sick. My immune system is practically gone due to having had rheumatic fever. Hopefully I’ll wake up in the morning and be fine. Ya’ll keep your fingers crossed for me that it’s just a 24 hour bug.
Got to try Japanese food tonight, and yuck! I liked the steak and mushrooms somewhat, but the shrimp and rice, euh!
I guess that’s it for tonight. I’m not all here right now anyway so better shut up.
Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!
