My little boy told me last night his daddy is sick. He acted so worried, telling me every little detail about what is wrong with him. But then he said something that really bothers me. He said but you won’t pray for him. I asked him why he would think that and he replied because you called the cops on him. He has been saying that for the past year and a half. And it really bothers me because it isn’t entirely true. But how do I make him understand that?

I remember that night so vividly, at least certain parts of it. I remember screaming for them to stop arguing, stop fighting, and it felt like I was silent, like I was the only one who could hear myself screaming. I don’t remember when exactly but I remember grabbing the phone thinking if they think I am going to call someone they’ll stop. And it did, it all stopped. I remember him taking the phone from me and putting it behind me on the kitchen table. Then I remember him leaving the room and going into the bedroom and I remember thinking about his knife I had made him put up so Christian couldn’t get to it and scared out of my mind that he was going to get that and hurt himself. I remember sitting there in the middle not knowing who to go to, my mother who I thought was dying or my husband who I loved with all my life. Before I could do either he came back in the room and at some point he came to me asking was I alright and where did all the blood on me come from. Then I remember Mom putting her hand to her head and then blood gushing. We all panicked, even him. She started panicking and crying and I could see it in her eyes that she thought she was going to die. For the first and only time in my life she looked so helpless. I remember it going through my head that I was that four year old girl again who watched my dad so often beat her to the edge of death while I took Jes and hid her in the closet. I didn’t remember anything but that look in her eyes. I don’t remember hos I got the phone, but I remember not being able to reach it. The next thing I remember I was asking for an ambulance, or trying to but they couldn’t understand me because of all the screaming. He was even telling me what to tell them and where to tell them to come. I didn’t call the cops, I asked for an ambulance! I remember them saying the cops were on their way. I remember telling him and him heading for the door and me begging him not to go anywhere afraid he’d be in more trouble if he ran. I remember thinking if he leaves he’ll kill himself before they find him.

I didn’t know what to do that night. I was caught in the middle of something that never should have happened. True Mom never should have been there. I knew that. But at the same time he never should have kept insisting that she came. A lot of things never should have happened.

But put yourselves in my shoes that night, what would you have done? If your very own mother was laying in front of you going in and out of consciousness and gushing blood from her head, what would you have done? I don’t care who it is, whether you like that person or not, no matter what sort of history you have with that person, anyone who had seen that would have called for an ambulance.

If I had known it wasn’t as bad as it looked I wouldn’t have done it, I wouldn’t have called anyone. But how was I to know that?

I don’t think calling 911 for an ambulance was doing anything wrong. I definitely don’t think that is grounds for my son to be told your mommy put your daddy in jail. But how do you get a five year old to understand that?

I love my husband and will always. Oddly that night made my love for him stronger because in his mind he was protecting me. I’ll never stop loving him nor will I stop praying for GOD to bring us back together and restore our marraige and our family. I hope and pray that he doesn’t think I intentionally called the cops to get him thrown in jail that night. He has told me that he knows I didn’t.

If it had been someone else who had gotten beat up by someone else, no one would say what I did was wrong. I wish I could go back and redo that night but I can’t. What’s done is done and all we can do is learn from our pasts.

GOD I would like to ask tonight that you be with my husband and help him with his sickness. Give him the strength of body to be able to get through it and get well. LORD I ask that you be with our little boy and not let him catch whatever this sickness is. Also let him know that his mommy loves him more than anything and that I will always. GOD also I pray for the words to let my little baby know that I did not intentionally do that to his daddy. It hurt my son more than understand this. FATHER, I know my husband’s family thinks that too. Please help them to understand that I was only trying to get my mother help and not to hurt my husband. GOD help them to see that I didn’t want anything to happen to him and that I am so sorry that it did anyway. Let them find it in their hearts to somehow understand me and to someday be able to forgive me. And let them all know that I still think of them as my family and will always love them as tha, they are the only family I have ever known or really made to feel like I was a part of. GOD I know that their opinions of me shouldn’t matter to me but GOD they do. Let my husband know I love him and forever will, no matter what. GOD I ask for YOUR intervention between the two of us to keep us connected. FATHER I’m not about to give up on our marraige and am trustingly waiting for fYOU to move for us, at least I’m trying. LORD help me to have more faith in YOU. I pray that YOU will show me a sign that will cause me to never doubt in YOU or YOUR love again. LORD my marraige needs a miracle, one that comes straight from YOUR hands. I am asking for that miracle and am going to humbly wait for YOU to move for me, for us. LORD, I ask all this in Your holy and powerful name, the only name that matters, Jesus Christ. Amen, and Amen.

Goodnight Christian and Wally. I love y’all!

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