March 1, 2007

suicide and after

Posted in Journaling at 4:59 pm by dearGOD

Someone made a post in one of my FA groups that has me wondering what the rest of you might think.  I’m going to copy the original post and then a couple responses and then my own.  Let me know how the rest of you would respond to their questions.

 

Posted: Feb 28, 2007 1:21 PM

we need something new to talk about..
it seems this group gets lots of replies about boozing topics. what about a death topic?
who here would rather be dead than living with FA? Or, if you don’t feel that anymore, who used to?

 

Posted: Feb 28, 2007 5:53 PM

Hey! That was me too! I used to hate myself so much that I wanted to smash me up pretty good. I was suicidal from 10 to 24 years old. Even attempted 3 times. Well, 2 were more like ‘gestures’, but the third was planned to a ‘T’. When it didn’t work, I just gave up; suicide is such hard work.
But death is attractive only because of what you believe is on the other side of the fence.
If I believed that heaven and seven beautiful virgins were waiting for me, I’d be killing jews and Americans right now.
If I believed in a Christian heaven, that’d be better than life.
If I believed in reincarnation, I’d hope for a better deal of the cards and keep offing myself until I was born perfect..
I find it funny that we have a thousand religions, each one with a different theory of the afterlife, yet each claims to be the “right one”. Instead of asking which is correct, maybe we should think about the possibility that religions are just made by man to alleviate our fear of death. A lot like when our dog or cat dies, we say we’ll see them later. We create a new rule for heaven, the way heaven was man-made in the fist place.
My own theory is just that we cease to exist. No heaven or second changes or ‘higher plateaus’. Humans are either arrogant or naïve to think that we’re any more special than any other living being.
So now I realize that I was given ONE LIFE by my parents. Not a great one, could’ve been better…but when I’m gone, there won’t be anything left where I sit. So I’m just gonna ramble on until I can’t ramble anymore. When it gets too pathetic and I’m sitting in 2 weeks worth of my own urine and feces, I’ll figure out a way to end it.
So it makes me wonder Noodle…what do you think is on the other side?

 

Posted: Mar 1, 2007 4:46 PM

In the end, FA will take the life of its’ host…so if the host kills the FA first, it’s a small victory.
I’m going to use that statement as a signature in my e-mail. :-)
This is a very good topic though. It’s very interesting to read all of your opinions. Especially since for the past few weeks I have been so unsure as to what I myself believe. For the biggest part of my life I was atheist. Then for a while that went to unsure. Then for the last two years that unsurity went to a reliance on GOD having to be real or I had no hope. Now though I’m not so sure. If GOD is up there I must’ve done something so bad that HE doesn’t see me anymore. I do hope that heaven is real for everyone else but for me if it is real I don’t want to go there. I’d just ruin it for everyone else.
I hope GOD and heaven are real but if they aren’t I think maybe when we die our minds sort of go into this unending sleep where we relive our lives over and over nonstop. Deja vu? Then it would be best to live your life to the fullest b/c you could be stuck in this life forever. Who’s to say we aren’t already in that dreamstate?
I have been suicidal since I was eleven or so and not b/c of the FA but b/c of my life and what’s in it. Actually I’m very seriously wanting to slit my wrists and watch as the pain flows from me until there’s none left right now. I wouldn’t be hurting others b/c no one wants me in the way anyway. Everyone knows I want to die and no one cares enough to try to give me a reason to live. There isn’t one. No need to try.

February 25, 2007

through soul stained tears

Posted in Journaling at 10:52 pm by dearGOD

I was the one who thought true love could conquer everything. How naive was I?

Why didn’t someone tell me love isn’t real?

 

Ya’ll have probably noticed that for the last little bit I haven’t been writing all that much about my husband.  For those of you who might be wondering what’s been going on in the corners of my shattered heart as of lately here goes.  I know I probably shouldn’t post this for the whole world to see and read but why not.  Perhaps there is just one person out there who might read this who can help me understand this heart-stopping pain.

Well a few days after New Year’s I found out that he filed for divorce.  I don’t know why I hadn’t expected it.  I guess I was trusting what he had told me when he said that he loved me and that he would never do that.  We hadn’t spoken for around five months.  I had no idea why not but assumed that his family had found out that we had been and got mad.  See there’s one bit of my naivity.  I kept, no keep making excuses for him.  My heart is trying to blind my soul from the truth.  All last year I believed him when he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me.  Part of me still does.  But anyway I got the divorce papers and thought I was going to die.  After a few days of nonstop tears and trying to find the strength to do it I called and left a message on his phone one night in which I poured every bit of my heart out to him, or at least tried to through the tears.  I don’t know how long I talked but before I finished I heard the phone beeping letting me know that someone was calling.  I didn’t answer it but as soon as I hung up the phone it rang.  Guess who it was.  Yes, Wally.  All in all he told me that he does love me and that he needs me just as much as I need him.  I’m pretty sure at the first he was crying too.  He told me that he had just filed for the divorce because he was afraid he would end up back around my mother.  Well we talked for about an hour.  He told me that he doesn’t want a divorce and then he told me that he was going to tell whoever is over it the next morning that he didn’t want to pursue it.  He promised he would call me back the next night.  After about an hour my phone was going dead so I had to tell him bye.  He told me he loved me and then said bye.  When I hung the phone up I burst into tears yet again.  Partially because he had rekindled that fading hope in me and yet also because I was so afraid I was going to be let down again.  I was also so afraid that I had just heard him tell me “I love you.” for the last time. 

Well he didn’t call back.  For nights after that his phone was turned off.  Knowing me I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t him.  So I waited and waited for a phone call that never came.  Then last month I went to WWRC and just got back a week ago.  It was so hard being there just thinking of the miles between us.  Hoping that while I sat there each night looking into the sky that somewhere he to was thinking of me.  Knowing that no matter how far apart we were that we were still under the same moon and the same stars.  I didn’t want to come back to face my own death.  I didn’t want to come back to face a cruel reality.  Up there it didn’t seem real.  It was like a vague memory of a book that I had once read as a child.  If not for Christian I wouldn’t have came.

This weekend someone told me that he doesn’t want to be with me because of the FA.  I don’t want to believe that, I don’t believe that…  About a year ago I remember asking him that and him telling me that has nothing to do with it and that the FA never bothered him.  But I have to ask myself, was he telling the truth?  I need to hear that from him.  If that is why………  I wouldn’t force anyone to live with this disease.  I don’t even like myself because of this.  Why would I want anyone else to?  True, I do tend to push everyone away because I know that eventually the FA will make them hate me and either they’ll just leave or stick around with their false smiles and fake hearts, I would rather them just hate me for something else, my heart can deal with that better.  But him, he didn’t let me push him away.  Were those last five years made-up love because he didn’t want to tell me that he too had grown to hate me?

I’ve always known deep down in my soul that it was unfair to want him to be with me.  I have always carried this guilt because he isn’t with someone normal.  He deserves someone normal.  Someone who can do all the things for him that I can’t.  Someone that he can grow old with.

If it’s the FA then I wish he’d just tell me.  I love him so much, more than anyone should have a right to love someone else.  Enough to not want my curse to be his burden.  And if that’s why then enough to, even though this love will never die, let him go.

 

 

 

Artist:
Avril Lavigne

Album:
Unknown

Title:
Keep Holding On

You’re not alone
Together we stand
I’ll be by your side, you know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There’s no place to go
You know I won’t give in
No I won’t give in
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it’s too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I’ll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing’s gonna change, nothing’s gonna change destiny
Whatever’s meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Just stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you, I’m here for you
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There’s nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through

February 22, 2007

2-21

Posted in Journaling at 12:59 am by dearGOD

So I’ve somehow survived another day full of chaos and confusion, barely that is.  Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can handle before my already shattered soul crumbles to fine dust and is blown away.  I often wonder, if GOD has a purpose for everyone then what is it that I’m supposed to do.  I hope HE didn’t just give me life for me to have to just exist silently here unseen and unheard.  If there is a reason for me being alive I’m sure I’ve either already done it or already didn’t do it, either or, so why am I still here?

I’ve had another day of dealing with a mother who hates me.  It just isn’t right.  If GOD knew my body was going to be all screwed up then why couldn’t HE at least give me parents who loved me unconditionally?  They used to adore me.  When I was pretty and skinny, when I was so smart and had what appeared to be a huge and successful future ahead of me I was their pride and joy.  One thing the doctor didn’t tell me I would lose was love.  Who am I trying to kid, she dindn’t even give a shit about me then.  She has always made it more than evident that I was just in her way of living her own life and that she didn’t want me here.  She just used to think if I became something in life that she would get something out of it if she wasn’t so cold.  But now she knows.  Little does she know though that she hasn’t killed this sinking soul yet and somehow I have found a little bit of hope to grasp ahold of and my life isn’t over yet.  And now that I know that at least a part of that once intelligent girl is still deep down within my future is again starting to appear bright, a little.  Too bad for her because she isn’t getting anything from this burden of hers.

Ugh!  I guess you can tell that I’m having a rough time again with Miss It.  That’s ok though.  Dispite her efforts to destroy my spirits I’m still here breathing.  I talked to my babe tonight.  He said he misses me and wants to come see me!  He never wants to come here.  :-)  I miss him so much. I can’t wait to see him!

I have this picture on here of me on my wedding day.  I often find myself staring at that picture trying to remember what was going through that girl’s head 7 1/2 years ago.  If I had known how it would turn out now would I have been so happy or if I had known would I have gone through with it.  Or deep down did I know?  I had to have knows, afterall I do always screw everything up.

 

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

February 21, 2007

Breathe No More

Posted in Music/Lyrics at 4:22 pm by dearGOD

I’ve been looking in the mirror for so long.,
That I’ve come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit’s well.
Yet again you refuse to drink, like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I’ve been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can’t help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now…
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe no more.

oh no he didn’t

Posted in Journaling at 12:45 am by dearGOD

I have had an okay day.  I didn’t cry,  I don’t think, and for me that is while silly a HUGE accomplishment.  Actually I have yet to let “her” make me so upset that I do cry since I’ve been back.  And anyone who knows how she really is knows how hard it is to not let her get to ya.

Today I started to get started with checking all of my e-mails, since I didn’t really keep up with them while gone.  I logged onto the first one and it said like 170, not too bad for four weeks.  Then the next was 600 and some, the next 400 and some, and another over 7000!  And only 13 of those spam.  I gave up that idea after checking about five of them haha and have sat here since staring into space.  Well chatting with some friends, listening to music, watching tv, doing a few websites, and reading all while staring into space!

So today this sweet little girl in the wheelchair almost got up and kicked the kajeepers out of someone.  Jessica’s fiancee, Jerry.  He just had to say it.  He saw that I was chatting with a black dude and as he walked away I heard “Manda, what the hell are you doing talking to a n****r?”  Anyone who knows me knows better than to use those stupid racial terms around me and Jes just stood there saying “uh oh, you did it now” to Jerry.  Stupid people make me sick!

I don’t remember if I’ve posted it yet or not but there are a few additions to my family.  Threde teeny, tiny chihuahuas.  They are so sweet!  Their eyes aren’t opened yet but they sure have mastered making sure their mommy, and myself, can hear when they are hungry.

Now I’m bored.  Ugh.  So I guess I’ll shut up for now and go to bed.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

February 19, 2007

I’m back.

Posted in Journaling at 12:04 am by dearGOD

Well I”m home everyone.  My two to three week stay at WWRC became a too fast four weeks.  And I totally loved it there.  I figured that I would and as you all know was afraid of that, I was afraid that I wouldn’t want to leave.  Guess what, I didn’t.  It wasn’t just the place that I didn’t want to leave either but the friends that I made.  Yes it’s true, so shy Amanda who stays to herself and hides from the everso bright side of life, where all those alive are, actually made some friends.  I hope some lifelong friendships.  And ya’ll know me, it is so much easier to talk to guys, so most of the friends were guys.  There were a few females too though.  But I do gotta say there are some fine guys there ladies, but they’re all mine hahaha!  ;-)  Oh and GOD must’ve had a really good sense of humor when HE decided to send me there because all the guys but one had big, brown eyes.  Ya’ll know I have a thing for brown eyes right?  And the only one who didn’t had these dreamy blue eyes.  Ya know who ya are, Brent.  :-)

So I met some pretty awesome people.  In fact, I do believe my life will be forever changed because of them.  Especially Tony.  Yes, Tony, I’m blogging about you.  He let me know what it feels like to really knows there is someone who cares.  And looking into those magnificently GOD had to make them brown eyes I could tell that he was for real.  Most people just act like they care and won’t look you in the eyes afraid you’ll know, but not him.  He looked me straight in the eyes.  Ya know, eyes are the windows to the soul and if you look deep into someone’s eyes it is like you can almost feel their soul.  Hehehe, I think I have a little bit of a crush.  But I’m sure he knows that.

The first day I got there I had the priveledge of metting two of the sweetest and kindest souls to be found, Ti and Claudia.  Claudia was the first that I approached because she was quiet like me.  Ti on the other hand was anything but quiet.  She has an opinion on everything and isn’t afraid to make sure that everyone knows what it might be.  Again like me but instead of cowardly hiding behind written words on an internet blog she energetically uses her mouth to express her ideas.  Claudia went home early but hopefully we will meet again someday.  Tiara is still there, no doubt telling someone off.  HAHAHA!

It was so strange to see everyone there and know that even the normal looking ones had some sort of disability.  Some just aren’t as aparent as a big, purple wheelchair.  And then to see that a lot of them had problems that makes what’s wrong with me seem to be nothing.  I watched them all still going about their lives, happy, content, and with goals for their futures.  And I was so inspiring to watch as they all rather than try tlive with whatever their limitation was they lived despite their disabilities, 

I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the past few weeks.  Even moreso in the past few days.  There’s a lot about my life that I don’t like, but ya’ll knew that, that is going to have to change.  I have no idea how that is going to all be done yet but I know that it has to, somehow, someway….  I’ve done a lot of thinking about me as well.  And that is definately going to have to change.  I’m the one who just sits here as life happens to her crying instead of doing anything to at least try to make it different.  *(See Tony, I was listening!)*  I have a lot to work on!  First step, get out of this house, for good!

I also did a lot of thinking about my husband and our marraige.  A LOT!  Trying to figure out why it is that I love him as much as I do.  Ya know what, dispite all the crying and thinking and crying some more the conclusion I came to is I just do. 

Tonight I got to talk to Christian for the first time in over three weeks.  His voice sounded like a voice straight from heaven itself.  He missed me!  And he is actually wanting to come out here to spend a whole weekend with me!  He never WANTS to come for but just a day.  Hearing him say I love you waa like a gift from GOD.  Actually it was because he is nothing less than an exquisite gift from GOD!

Well, I’m shutting up for tonight.  Thanks to all for your prayers while I was gone and thanks to all who are still remembering me in their prayers.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

Goodnight Wally.  I love you too!

February 14, 2007

2-13

Posted in Journaling at 2:18 am by dearGOD

I thought that right now I’d for sure be sitting here right now crying my eyes out and wanting to die and I know it’s hard to believe but I’M NOT.   And believe it or not I actually had a pretty good day.  Sure did beat sitting here crying all night last night.  Instead I got to spend the evening with someone who I do believe actually understands me.  Thanks for taking the time to spend the evening witn me, Tony!

Found out this evening that there are five additions to my family of critters.  Christian’s chihuahua had six puppies last night, one died though so that left me with five.  I can’t wait to see them!

So it is now Valentine’s day.  This makes the third Valentine’s day I’ve been without hubby.  It seems like it has been a lifetime ago.  I wonder if he’ll even think of me today.

I miss Christian so much.  I can’t wait to hold him in my arms again.

 

Welp, good night world.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!  Happy Valentine’s Day!!  <3

February 9, 2007

AN OUTPOUR OF EMOTIONS

Posted in Journaling at 12:43 am by dearGOD

I don’t really know what to write tonight but it has been a while since I have really written anything so I’ll try to think of something.  Hehehe, I might just ramble but that is what I’m best for.

Well this week has been pretty tough, emotionally that is.  Ya’ll know that I sit around mopey and sad all the time right?  Well I was doing a pretty good job of hiding that from everyone here, managing to wait until I was behind my closed door to let the pain flow.  Well that thought failed miserably.  The other day a friend here was telling me some stuff and I just lost it.  She wasn’t saying anything bad, she was trying to be encouraging, but ya’ll know how it is with me.  There is certain stuff anyone can say that just throws me overboard.  Like telling me you can do this or you can do that or you’re so pretty.  I know none of it’s true and then it comes to my mind how this or that must be going through their minds and how they have to think I must be so stupi thinking I’m believing them.  But now I think I finally have them all thinking I’m fine again.  Which is good because I don’t want anyone’s pity.  Or any pity friends, if someone wants to be my friend I want it to be because of me.  And I most definitely don’t want to scare off anyone else like I did the other day.

Who am I kidding.  I shouldn’t be here trying to make friends at all.  Just to screw up someone else’s life or to get to know yet another person who will end up hating me just like everyone else eventually does….

I can’t do this.  Knowing that in a week I’ll be going back there to sit night and day crying and just to watch as my already shattered soul finally crumbles to dust.  GOD, why don’t YOU just let me die already.  Or do YOU hate me too just like everyone else.  I don’t want to have to be anymore.  I don’t want to be alive but I don’t want to be dead either, I just don’t want to be.  I don’t want to finally have my soul go to hell but I don’t want to go to heaven either just to screw that up for everyone else.  Even in heaven I’d be this sad mess.

I miss Christian so much.  I wonder if he misses me at all, or is he just glad I’m gone and never thinks about me.  I found out the other day that Annie is taking me to court for child support.  I guess she knew if I’m here and don’t get to go they could banish parental rights then I’d never get to see him. 

It feels like all the trouble keeps piling up in front of me and is now so high and so wide that there is no was through, around, or above it all.  This year is just starting but it is already horrible for me.  I can’t handle ir all.

And a question, why is it that if I get upset everyone automatically assumes that I am upset over this chair.  It isn’t the chair people.  I am fine with my chair.  Sure i got a crappy hand when it comes to this horrible disease but it is made up for in other areas.  Sure woulda been nice to be normal and smart both but I’m not normal, I’m fine with that.  Sure I often am saddened by thoughts of normalcy that I’ll never get to experience but big deal.  Usually if I am so upset that everyone sees it has nothing to do sith this chair but everything to do with this dying soul trapped inside this ugly and fat girl’s failing body.

 

I’m gonna shut up for now.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

You too, Wally!

February 5, 2007

and the Colts win the game….

Posted in Journaling at 12:15 am by dearGOD

Okay, anyone who knows anything about me knows that when it comes to football I’m utterly clueless and though very out of the ordinary for me, I couldn’t really care less that this subject I know nothing about.  But it was fun watching those dudes who were clearly going back and forth staring at me but trying not to let me know it.  One of them almost shut himself up in a door hahaha.  Isn’t it amazing how ya can put a little bit of makeup on and it changes the world.  Hehehe!

So Bug finally signed up for a myspaqce music site.  Check him out everyone.  His songs should be on there tomorrow.  http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=155662726

I’ve got a huge day ahead of me tomorrow.  More testing, more therapy, more everything.  And then tomorrow night the chapel is having their weekly coffee house.  Should be fun.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and  back!

You too, Wally!

January 31, 2007

the world still turns

Posted in Journaling at 11:41 pm by dearGOD

On my way tol the rec hall tonight I looked up and saw this humongous, clear and oh so bright moon and remember thinking to myself how spectacular it looked and knowing that somewhere so many hundreds of miles away my husband and my son aqre under that same moon.

I had a pretty good day, well most of it.  I went for my first part of the driving eval, which isn’t driving but paperwork and eye tests, which I passed them all.  Next week I try behind the wheel.  Then I went to PT to make sure I could drive the chair I got yesterday.  I could but some adjustments had to be made for these long legs of mine so I ended up with a newer chair.  But it is only to use while here since my arms are way to strong to keep one.  Or so they say.  Then I started my business trial, and duh, it’s easy.  But the best part of today is when I went to my counselor to talk.  When she saw me she told me to wait in the waiting area because she wanted to talk to me.  First thought was oh gosh what did I do but it all turned out good.  She is going to make sure that I get “every thing” that I came up here for.  Well wait, not every thing, she can’t help with Wally, but everything else.   Hearing her tell me that today was the best thing I’ve heard in, well about a week, I heard Christian tell me that he loves me then so that is better to hear than anything else in this world.

Now for the sad part of the night.  I know I could come up with so many other more creative words but sad is the only word that discribes the night’s events because that truely is all that it was.  Get to the rec hall tonight and am sitting there chatting with some friends when another friend runs up and tells us that someone just died.  None of the others believed him but me so I followed him when he ran off.  So I get to where he is and there the girl was face down on a bench totally limp and lifeless.  No pulse or anything.  Someone called 911 and they closed off the area where she was.  I was sitting there in shock, I don’t remember ever being that close to someone who had just died.  A few minutes later I got to looking around and all but maybe two people were already forgetting what had happened.  Some hadn’t quit what they were doing in the first place.  People were all piled up asking what had happened and then laughing about it.   Some were telling jokes, some playing cards, some watching tv, some even leaving for a field trip.  A girl had just died and no one as much as shut up for just a second.  No one offered to say a prayer.  Nothing.   I said a silent prayer begging GOD that if there was any way at all to put her soul back in her body to please do it and let this young girl live.  But in some situations that isn’t enough.  I sat there for nearly an hour watching them act as though nothing had happened, wondering if her spirit might be there and see them all, and almost in tears to think that out of all those people no one had it in them to ask the others to join in prayer for this girl, for her soul.  I think I should have been that person. I should have said something.  Some people are now saying that she is alive and in the hospital, some say she died.  I’m not sure.  But if she is alive, thank You GOD!

Well I”m off for tonight.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

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